I had planned my next post to continue my counseling journey and what all we uncovered, but my last post really effected me more than I'd anticipated. I can talk about my trauma with Xavier without it bringing up the emotions it once did. They say you know you're healed when you can talk about something without crying. I'm not much of a crier, but I get the idea of the statement, and my problems with talking about the trauma from Xavier now include just figuring out how much to say in a certain setting, not the emotions I once had from talking about it. It doesn't bother me if someone asks about it. If someone says to me about something in their life, "Oh, that's not something I talk about," generally I can tell that means it's actually not something they've healed from yet and they still carry a lot of wounds. I'm the opposite with Xavier now. "Oh you want to talk about it? Sure, whatcha want to talk about?" Talking about Tim is much harder, but it's also the story I've thought didn't really matter because "nothing" happened. The wounds from Xavier have felt like they've defined me for years, but I'd sort of denied the wounds from Tim were even there. In my 3.5 years of counseling with Heather, we overturned every rock, every story, every journal and email and IM conversation I'd had saved about Xavier and processed through it. She spoke truth into the lies and brought light to the places that had been so dark. We also dove into Tim, and she spoke truth to the lies and validated my pain. She and my current counselor have both made sure I know that grooming IS something. His grooming WAS something. My pain from that is real and valid, and nothing sexual had to happen for it to be real and valid, because grooming itself is traumatic. The lies I believed and spoke to myself for years caused deep wounds. But I didn't have the paper trail to go back to like I had with Xavier to process on that level.
The response I got from my post about Tim was surprising. My purpose of this blog is to give others the courage to face their own stories, shine a light on what trauma and the aftermath can really look like, give others knowledge so they are able to be empathetic with the people in their lives dealing with trauma, and hopefully help them see and be able to address trauma in themselves and their loved ones. I want to help break the cycle and help others find healing. I thought my story with Xavier would be something a lot of people could relate to, or at least parts of it. And some people have reached out to that effect. But the response from my post about Tim was not expected. Again, I thought it just didn't matter as much, but people have reached out, thanking me for reminding them to be more open with their kids, sharing their stories, telling me how brave I am for sharing. The views from that post have been more than three times that of the views from my posts about Xavier. I'm astounded. Writing about it was emotionally exhausting but also healing and freeing. Getting it out there. Releasing it. I've written it before, in pieces and parts. I've written letters to 14 year old Amy saying the things I wish she would have known then. I've forgiven 14 year old Amy for the things I'd blamed myself for. I've even forgiven Tim, written him a letter in those regards, mailed it to him in prison (we'll get to that later). But putting it all together for anyone who stumbles upon my blog felt different, more vulnerable, made me feel more raw and back in that place I was in at 14. Trauma brain has been at the surface, I've had to ground myself more, try to stay in the present. I appreciate every comment, every view, every reach out you have all made. It's shown me that what I'm doing now is important, and that I shouldn't just trash this whole thing like I've thought about so many times.
Since writing my last post, someone let me know how to find court case files and documents. So, of course, I immediately found all the case files from Tim's case. He pled guilty, so I really didn't know there would be a lot. I thought it would just be like "Defendant pleads guilty," done. But that's not how it works. I found so much. I needed to know. I wanted to know. I've discovered that one of the most upsetting things for me is being surprised by new information that could have implications or somehow be related to my trauma from Xavier or Tim in particular, but even outside of them. Whether it be something I've forgotten and someone else reminds me of, or finding out of another victim of an abuser, or whatever new thing I learn. So I go searching for as much information as possible, in an effort to try to get ahead of being surprised by it one day. It's scary and embarrassing when my trauma brain takes over, because I feel so out of control, and people generally don't understand, and so I sometimes go a bit too far trying to keep myself educated so that I can process anything that might come up and I'm not caught off guard. It's a way of trying to give myself control now, almost a reparative urge from the times I didn't have control. My psychiatrist calls this part of my "hyper vigilance" and was not at all surprised by it. She said it's part of my PTSD. So there's that professional explanation.
Aside from things like the warrant for Tim's arrest and such, I found character witness letters. Those completely threw me for a loop. These were taken into account for his sentencing in June of 2008, but they were dated months earlier. The first one was from his mother, dated March 3, 2008, exactly one month before she died. She starts it with, "My name is Arretta Brumit. I am Timothy Lynn Brumit's mother. I am 83 years old and Tim is all I have left in my family." It's a full page typed letter. She states, "...I can only tell you that Tim has never said one filthy word or put his hands on another child. I have seen my son every day for the past 10 years. His home is on my property. Tim has been around teenagers in his ministry, teaching and youth events and no allegations of any sort have ever been mentioned." She ends it with, "I know that Tim is remorseful for his actions and that he [is] ready to accept the outcome and be accountable for this crime. I don't believe he thought he was doing anything wrong at the time he began to download the child porn or communicating with the 13 year old boy even though he should have. I make no excuses for him and him completely accountable. I only want to see Tim home before I pass away." He did not make it home before she passed away. In fact, there was an emergency motion filed on April 4, the day after Mrs. Brumit died, to allow Tim to go back to Aiken to view her remains. He would have to be accompanied by U.S. Marshals at all times, and would have a private viewing, but the motion was granted. Reading Mrs. Brumit's letter absolutely broke my heart. All she wanted was to see her son again, but unless she visited him in prison (which I don't know either way), she never got to. I'm also angry because she did know that something had happened with me. I don't know what she knew, but she absolutely had to know something, and that was 8 years prior to his arrest. I understand the denial she claims in her letter, but she had more knowledge than she admitted to.
Some of the letters focused on Mrs. Brumit and her need to have Tim home. These things are also heartbreaking to read about a woman who was once like a grandmother to me. One stated, "He always tries to help his mother in all ways. She has suffered two strokes and depends on him for both financial and emotional support. In this situation, she is suffering just as much if not more than her son. She is very frail and very much needs her son to take care of her. She is all he has in this world." Another stated, "I'm writing to you out of concern for Ms. Brumit, Tim Brumits' 83 year old mother. Ms. Brumit is a sweet lady, but in frail health. The recent crimes and events brought about by her son have taken a terrible toll on this dear lady. It's my understanding that her home and property will have to be sold and a place found for Ms. Brumit to live." Another wrote, "I physically and carefully organized and boxed up Timothy Brumit's entire contents in his house, keeping in mind that his mother may eventually have to sell his belongings for her own survival."
Some letters just talk about how he was such a great pastor or teacher or such an upstanding person. Others use verses like how we've all sinned. Many others used bible verses to beg for mercy for him. Many talk about his love for his son and how hard it was for him to have not been able to see in son in years. I glanced through them all, but they were just too upsetting to really focus on. If someone else wants to give the summary of them, have at it, but I just can't do it. There are 18 total included with his court documents. They made me physically want to vomit. They should have had me write a character letter, that's all I'm saying. That would have changed the overall tone of those letters, that's for sure.
I remember how Tim used to talk about his students. He taught 6th graders the year he groomed me, if I remember correctly. So likely they were 11 and 12 year olds. Preteens. Children. He felt like people were out to get him, so he often told stories in those regards. He told this one story that has forever stuck with me, and I never could place my finger on why it bothered me so much. He mentioned a female student whose underwear could be seen out of the back of her pants. I think it was a thong or something similar. He was so bothered by it that he sent her to the principal. Like he couldn't dare have something that immodest in his classroom. But the way he told it was with this air of "I'm so moral and holy, I have to make a point to make sure everyone knows how moral and holy I am, she needs to be punished." It was like he thought he'd get in trouble for what she was wearing or someone would think he wanted to see it. I don't know, it was just weird how he explained it. He was a 39 year old man, he shouldn't have cared what an 11 year old girl was wearing, much less sent her to the principal's office. If anything, he should have spoken with another female teacher and had her speak with the student if it was that big of an actual problem. It just seemed like a red flag to me when I couldn't even understand or point out what a red flag was. Something just wasn't right in the way he viewed young females. Which later was obvious when it was me he was focused on.
I've read through the entire affidavit used to get the warrant for his arrest and the statement of facts used at his trial. It's absolutely disgusting. Heinous. We know the person he spoke to online was actually an undercover cop, but he thought it was a 13 year old boy, so for the sake of this, to emphasize the evil of his actions, we'll talk about him as if he was actually the 13 year old boy Tim thought he was. Tim begun the conversations on January 2 of 2008. They escalated extremely quickly. By January 23, the affidavit was submitted and the warrant was issued. He was arrested January 24. I am very proud of how quickly the FBI worked. Obviously they realized just how bad this was. In the total of the conversations just during that three week span, Tim sent 598 images and 57 videos of "child pornography" to the 13 year old boy. But you know what, I hate the term "child pornography." Hate it. They are children. That's child abuse. Those are all victims. Full stop. Victims of child abuse. That being said, when the FBI seized Tim's computer, they found a total of around 44,000 images of child abuse and at least 600 videos of child abuse that he'd obtained from 110 Google Hello users from around the globe and various child abuse websites during the span of 15 months. Let's break that down. If we average every month to be 30 days, that's 450 days. So that's 97.78 images and 1.33 videos a day for 15 months. That's just what he was receiving. On the other end of that were people creating these images and videos, children being abused, children whose abuse is being shared and seen by untold numbers of people for their own heinous pleasure. And this is all while Tim was also a high school teacher, teaching children the same age as many of the children in the images and videos he was collecting. If it could get any worse, his own son was around the same age during this time.
The things he says to this 13 year old boy just make my blood boil. I almost want to send a thank you note to the undercover cop myself for what he put up with to catch Tim. Throughout the conversations, Tim repeatedly instructs the 13 year old boy to masturbate to the pictures and videos and states that he himself is. He makes a lot of claims that I know are not true to impress the boy, saying he has one house with 19 rooms and another with 10 rooms and a fireplace. He also said he had a pool, a hot tub, a sports car, a swimming pool, tennis courts, and that it's worth almost $3 million, among other claims. Let me tell you, his Mom's house might have had 19 rooms, but only because it was built in the mid 1900s before open floor plans, and every room is tiny. The only swimming pool that was ever there was a small above ground pool. The part of the property with his Mom's house and Tim's house was on the market for a long time and they couldn't even sell it, so it's now just being rented out. Tim's house was originally his Dad's "library," and his Mom's house is not up to any codes we now have on houses. The entire inside needs to be redone. All that to say, I hope and pray some of these other claims Tim makes are also completely made up, because they are much, much worse.
On the first day of their conversations, Tim immediately tells the 13 year old boy that he had a sexual interest in underage boys. Then Tim tells the 13 year old boy, "I am a very popular teacher kids say I'm kewl," and, "kids really love me." He later says, and this is the greatly censured version, that he likes boys "small" and had "done it" with prepubescent boys. Day one. There's no grooming. It's just boom, to the point. Day two of conversations, Tim tells the boy that he "wish[ed] [he] could tell [his] students that [he has] the sweetest boy now" and that he's written a poem entitled "Boy of my Dreams." He ends that evening of conversations with, "Nothing would make me happier than to make love to you tonight."
We're two days into conversations and it feels like we need a year's break to process. What if this had actually been a 13 year old boy he had been talking to? Can you imagine the damage that would have done already, just two days in, even just one day in? One of my dear friends has a 13 year old son who I have watched grow up, and I would absolutely lose my mind if someone spoke to him like this. And it's absolutely disgusting that Tim revels in the fact that he's a teacher and that kids think he's "kewl." How many people was he grooming? How many potential victims did he have? How many ACTUAL victims did he have?
What disgusts me just as much is that sometimes I still want to make excuses for Tim. Frankly it's angering to even myself. I still want to say, "Well he never acted on anything sexual with me," and, "Everything with the 13 year old boy was online, he could have been all talk." Why do I do this? Why do I still have the tendency to minimize? Why is it still so hard to face the brutal truth of the evil of his actions? Why is evil so hard to face?
By the third day of conversations, Tim asked the 13 year old boy, "Who does your body belong to?" to which he replied, "You Tim," and Tim "rewarded" him with more images and videos. He continued the conversation saying that, "if you and I were together I can find young boys for you to do it with, all I ask is you must be willing to do it with me first.....what if you and I did a boy together....your age or a little younger if you wanted to. I know a lot of boys."
Was he trafficking or did he have contacts who were trafficking? Did he actually have boys available to him? Is this true? Who are these boys? Where would he get them? I can barely breathe reading all this.
At one point he discusses that if he dated the boy's Mom, the boy would still be his number one. By the 6th day since the conversations started, Tim asked the 13 year old boy if he could be his "dad" and his boyfriend. I can't even write out the fantasy he then tells the boy.
Ten days after starting communications, while continuing the heinous things he says and images and videos he sends, Tim also starts seriously trying to plan to meet the boy in person. His plan was to drive up to Virginia and get a motel to spend the weekend with the boy, making sure the boy told his Mom he was at a friend's house and that they met somewhere where he wouldn't be seen. He also asks the boy to mail him a strand of his hair and another bodily fluid onto a napkin to him, and he said he would do the same thing back. He continually reminds the boy that everything they talk about needs to be deleted and tells the boy that in 4 years (wouldn't it be 5? whatever) he'll be 18 and can "come to me for real." That was all too familiar to him wanting to run away with me to Europe once I was 18 and made me want to vomit reading it.
Within a week Tim changes his requests and starts talking about the 13 year old boy coming to Aiken to visit, and then to actually move in with him. He says the boy could, "live with [him] forever." He also wrote, "You and I could share a boy together if you would like. I know them from about 8-18." The boy asks if he'd done stuff with them before, and Tim responded, "Some before I met you." Again, who are these boys? Where would he find them, if it really was true that he could find them?
The last day of conversations documented was on January 20. By this point, Tim has escalated to concocting a plan to kidnap the boy, instead of just visiting him. He planned to drive to Virginia to pick up the 13 year old boy. He made it clear that the boy could leave no signs behind about them and his computer would have to come with them and they would later destroy it. He also instructed the boy to bring his birth certificate and social security card. He added, "you have to protect me so that there is NO trail to link you with me here."
On January 23 the affidavit showing all this evidence was shown to a judge, and a warrant was issued. He was arrested on January 24, and January 25 is when the reporter showed up on my doorstep with the information about his arrest. On January 29, an "Order of Detention Pending Trial" was issued, meaning that it was required for him to remain detained until trial instead of being offered bail. Two of the reasons given were that there was a serious risk he would flee, and the other was that he had a history of violence.
History of violence? What's that all about? So I did a background check. On 2/25/00 he has two counts of domestic violence. 2/25/00. That was DURING the time he was grooming me. These appear to be the dates they were brought to trial, not the dates of the events, but still, what in the actual hell? You know, going about his business 8 years prior to his arrest, teaching 6th graders, trying to convince his 14 year old neighbor he's falling in love with her, and going to trial for domestic violence. Like all these things somehow go together (they do not). The light is continually being shown onto who he really was, and it's absolutely frightening.
So let's rewind the clock to when he was grooming me. I just found a few journal entries and poems I'd written about him 21 years ago.
February 1, 2000 I wrote, "...I'm afraid I'm going to fall into bed with a 40 something year old man (he was actually 39 then).....it almost sounded to me like he was saying that one-night stands are ok, and I learned about his first time with the girl down the street when he was in high school...It almost seemed like he was making comments/suggestions for/with me, but then again he was a Baptist preacher and is now an excellent 6th grade teacher. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I was, and sort of still am, waiting impatiently that something will happen. Now, I'm scared..."
From a poem February 6, 2000, "I have found a love/but I know it should not be/I see an age difference/of true friends/that does not matter......I have found a love/that is not love/I have found a man/that I know I can't have/I have found one/but he cannot ever be mine/I have found a man/but he has crossed his limit."
From a poem February 12, 2000, "Can't you tell/I'm too young/true love has no age/but there is a limit/you have passed it.....You will not brainwash me/I've heard you're lines before/I will not believe them again/I do not want to hurt you; you may hurt yourself-but what about me?/you said you'd risk everything/but what about me?/do I matter here?"
From a journal entry February 15, 2000, the day I left a note at his door trying to end whatever was going on, "He said he'd not been able to get me out of his mind, his students knew all about me, and he even wondered where I was in my house. He said he wasn't obsessed because he'd known me all my life, but that doesn't matter, he was/is [obsessed]. He tried to make me believe a lot of things like that one-night stands are ok, that not only am I mature for my age, but almost that I'm actually an adult in a kid's body...and other things that, in a sense, almost brainwashed me...He asked if I was comfortable when it was just he and I alone at his house. I told him, "yes." After that, I wasn't. He kept telling me that he had never had such deep conversations with [his ex wife] in the entire 8 or whatever years. He basically made me feel that my parents are not worthy of me, I really have a bad home life, and that I'm going through the same things he did. He said he had wanted to ask me if he could kiss me and wanted to show me his affection. I know that although he said he wouldn't push me.....I don't know his exact motives, nor if he intended to do a lot of things he did, but he did them....The point is, he's 38 (he was actually 39)- I'm 14, everything that had and would have occurred was illegal, and it had to end. I believe love has no age, but there is a limit and he surpassed it.....I'm afraid he'll hurt himself because he'd said things about suicide....It's just so hard 'cause I don't know how he's going to react, and I associate with him whether directly or indirectly....Truthfully, even though it is mean, I hope he tries something so [my counselor at the time] will have to tell and I'll have real evidence and he'll get in trouble. But then I'd lose Mrs. Brumit and [his son], and I don't want to do that. I'm just really mad....I'm very mad right now."
Nothing changed after I wrote him that letter. I had wanted to remain friends and go back to normal without any of the sexual and relational suggestions he was making, but it was as if he hadn't received it or read it at all. I became more and more afraid of him. From a poem in early March 2000, "I see him/and a terror passes through my veins/that stiffens my soul/I hear them talk about him/and a shock creeps throughout me/that replaces my smile/with tears/his eyes/pierce through my soul/his voice/beats at my confidence/my sense of self/and they want me to see him?/they actually have the self/to make me be alone with him?/Can't they see/the terror I have/of him/of what he could do?/I have no one to talk to/about my feelings/my terror/no one to keep me from him/no one who cares/and understands/but I can go on no longer/in this darkness/I can go on no longer/with this locked up/inside me/I must give someone the key/someone who cares/who'll listen/and be there/but who?/I don't want to destroy his life/or mine/but I cannot let this slide/any longer/I must do something/but should I?/is it important?/did enough happen/to tell?/to worry?/but my life is falling apart/from beneath me/I cannot hold this in any longer/I must tell/and God will do the rest."
The anguish of that last poem, the battle in my soul, just makes me ache for that 14 year old girl now. I couldn't figure out what "they want me to see him?" was about. But the date of that last poem was Tim's 40th birthday. I remember being encouraged to give him a card and visit on his birthday to encourage him and cheer him up because he was super depressed about his 40th birthday since being separated from his wife and son. I remember now, he'd told me he was 38, that's why my journal entries say he was 38. When I found out his 40th birthday was coming, I was angry, he was even older than I'd known. I'd already discovered some other lies by that point, and that meant he'd also lied about his age. I asked him about it, and he said he'd simply forgotten his age with as distraught as he'd been with everything going on in his life. I imagine it was Mrs. Brumit and my Mom who encouraged me to get him and card and visit, out of complete innocence and naivety. They just thought it would be nice, neighborly thing for me to do. But I think by that point, I'd become terrified of him, especially after writing him the letter on February 15 that he'd seemed to completely ignore. I had tried to start avoiding him as much as possible, it just didn't feel "over," like I just didn't know what he might still try or if he would actually confront me. I just had resorted to trying to ignore him, ignore it, to make it go away, because I didn't know what else to do. If I remember correctly, I did give him a card, but I'm not sure if I left it on his doorstep or hand delivered it. I must have told my Mom sometime soon after that poem was written, but I can't find anything else I wrote about it.
Back to January 2008. A reliable source who was at Tim's bond hearing told me that Tim tried to blame his son for the images and videos downloaded onto his computer, even though he had not seen his son since before any of them were downloaded. The FBI knew how dangerous he was and that his word couldn't be trusted. He was not given the option of bail, and he was transported to Virginia to wait for his trial.
In March 2008, Tim pled guilty to "Coercion and Enticement of a Minor" and "Transportation of Child Pornography." He continued to be detained until his sentencing hearing in June of 2008.
The character witness letters are part of the court documents, but I am not sure if they were taken into consideration at his sentencing hearing. Tim also wrote a letter for the judge to consider during his sentencing hearing, and that was used in court. I was going to try to summarize it, but there's just no summarizing this. It makes my skin crawl. This letter and all the other case documents are now public documents, so anyone can find them.
"Dear Judge O'Grady:
My name is Timothy Lynn Brumit and I appeared before you on March 13, 2008 and pled guilty to one count of trafficing child pornography and one count of enticement of a minor. I have no criminal history prior to the commission of these crimes. When I committed these crimes, I sinned before God and the people who love me. I accept full responsibility for my actions and I blame no one for them but myself. I am deeply sorry, so very remorseful for doing this.
Your Honor, I have sincerely confessed and repented of these deplorable acts. I am not a pedophile or predator or a child molestor. It was out of a devastating lonliness due to my son, who was influenced by his mother, to write a letter to me in October 2006 saying that he never wanted to come see me or my mother (his paternal grandmother) again, that I found myself longing to have a son. There is no excuse for what I did in front of my computer, but it was not out of lust but hurt and anger that drove me to do it. If you can find it in your judgement to [be] merciful to me in sentencing, by allowing me to return to society in a timely manner, it is my desire to spend the remainder of my years speaking, writing, and counseling people against the lures and pitfalls that lead to these kinds of criminal activity.
I have spent my entire adult life in the ministry and as an educator. Since my arrest on January 24, 2008 I have been in sincere reflection and contemplation of my actions. I now believe God has called me to "carry the torch" to fight on-line predators, and I wish to make it my life's ambition to empower communities with valuable information to combat the addictive nature of these kinds of offenses.
I was a very visible minister and professor of religion. I have spoken on radio and television, as well as churches and schools of all sizes and economic backgrounds throughout the entire United States. Given the opportunity, I believe I can make a positive impact by sharing what has happened to me, and by offering guidelines and warning signs for protecting our children, and adults from these online criminal activities.
I have communicated my genuine desire to cooperate fully with the Federal Government to bring persons who become criminally involved in child pornography or enticement of minors to justice. My motivation is not simply to receive a reduction of my sentence, but to find "Absolution for my sin" by helping to stop anyone who would hurt children.
I thank you in advance for your honorable decision concerning my future. I have punished myself in deep remorse for my sins. I pray that instead of wasted years of incarceration, that I will have the chance to show those who love me, those who will hear my story, and your Honor who judges me that with the Holy Spirit's leadership, I will turn this "stumbling block" into a "stepping stone." In the process may all the glory, honor, and praise go to God. If that happens it will have been worth bearing this cross in my life.
Respectfully and sincerely,
Timothy L. Brumit"
Bullshit. That's absolute bullshit. You can't go from saying you take full responsibility for your actions to, in the next paragraph, blaming your ex-wife and son for what you did. There's just so, so much wrong with that letter. That's an "I'm sorry I got caught" letter. I hope the judge called his bullshit in court. I really do.
Tim's lawyer argued that he should be given 15 years followed by 10 years of supervised release. The USA's lawyer argued that he should be given 262 to 327 months followed by a life term of supervised release. Based off his charges and his criminal history, he was give offense level 39 and Criminal History I, which, based off the fancy sentencing table I discovered, matches the 262 to 327 months in prison recommended by the USA's lawyer. I have been learning about these offense levels and such, it's very interesting. The highest level of offense level is 42, and the highest level of Criminal History is VI. So 39 is pretty high. The judge sentenced him to 300 months on his first count and 240 months on his second county, to run concurrently (at the same time), which meant he got a total of the 300 months (25 years). Upon release from imprisonment, he has also been sentenced to supervised release for life, and that includes a long list of conditions.
So where does this put me now? I knew my story, but finding details of his case, more about him, and the actual thoughts of 14 year old Amy has been a lot to process. I was also able to have some private conversations with others who knew him well, and I am very thankful to them for sharing with me. I can see more of the full picture now when I once couldn't. Part of me still wants answers, but I don't feel like I have to have them anymore. I want to understand how Tim got to that place, why he did what he did, but I may never know. I want to know how many victims he had, but I likely will also never know that.
I now believe that Mrs. Brumit likely knew the possibility of what Tim was doing with me WHILE it was happening, not just after it ended. I'm angry that she didn't do anything, she didn't protect me, but then again, what could she have done? If Tim already had domestic violence charges on his records, it's highly likely she, too, knew what he was capable of and was afraid of him and what he could do, or perhaps what he HAD done. I don't blame her for what happened, I'm mostly heartbroken for her. She died completely alone, knowing that the charges brought against her only son were true because he had pled guilty. She couldn't be in denial anymore. That's all on Tim. I'm thankful Mrs. Brumit didn't live long enough to find out about his sentencing, and that she didn't live long enough to have to worry about how she would go on to support herself and take care of herself alone. I know she had a strong faith, and I believe God protected her from any further heartbreak, and that she's completely healed and free now.
Finding all this additional information at first just terrified me. It put into perspective just how dangerous Tim was, just how much danger I'd been in as a child. It's been very emotional seeing the truth, but I've also felt so much freedom. Now I'm thankful in a way I hadn't been before. I'm so thankful nothing more happened with Tim and me. I'm thankful my parents protected me and kept Tim away from me further, and I'm not as focused on the anger that I didn't know at the time that they had protected me. The lies I created in my child's mind and believed because of their silence were wounding, but God is using them for good now. When I was 14 and for years after, I just wanted Tim arrested. I became so afraid of him, but there was no evidence I had that could have put him behind bars. In my 14 year old mind, and for years after, I was torn between being thankful he had never acted on his sexual desires and wishing that he had so that maybe he could have been arrested then. Now I am so so thankful that I did not walk away with physical or sexual scars to go along with the emotional scars he gave me.
Any residual guilt I felt about my relationship with Tim is now just completely gone. I don't blame myself anymore. I never should have to begin with, but from the mind of the child I was, I did blame myself for years. Now I can see that I was likely just another easy target, just another victim. It wasn't my fault. 14 year old Amy was NEVER to blame. 14 year old Amy was a child, and even if I had pursued him, he was an adult, and he NEVER should have pursued me. What he did was wrong, and I'm letting go of the shame I carried for so long. The 14 year old girl still inside me is free now.
For years, I hesitantly prayed that Tim would do something to get himself arrested, but I also didn't want anyone hurt, so I almost felt guilty even praying those prayers. The eight years from when he pursued me and when he was arrested felt like a lifetime, but I hadn't believed he would ever get caught, so in that regard, eight years wasn't actually all that long. The day the reporter showed up on my parents' front porch was a literal answer to a prayer I thought would never be answered. I'd been so embarrassed by my response, the word vomit of my story I poured out onto that unsuspecting reporter. But now I'm so thankful for her. I see her visit as God using her to tell me, "You're safe now. It's done. He can't hurt you anymore. You can breathe now." He was caught, just as I'd prayed. And because his conversations were with a cop and not an actual 13 year old boy, no one was really hurt in order for him to be caught, just as I'd also prayed. God's timing was most certainly not my timing, but I am astounded now at how God answered those prayers.
I'd never really considered how incredible it was that I went with a friend to her Baptist church less than 2 months after being pursued by a Baptist pastor. I'd just felt like I sought after God. But now I can see how God sought after me. How God plucked me from the mire, left the 99 to find me, how he pursued me. It's a complete perspective shift. Ephesians 1:4-5 resonates so much more now, "Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure."
"Who will protect me from the wicked? Who will stand up for me against evildoers? Unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave. I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94:16-19
Tim can't hurt me anymore. He can't hurt anyone anymore. He's where he needs to be, in prison. Even if he moves back across the street from my parents in 2029 when he's released, he can't hurt me anymore. I pray that he truly seek the Lord and truly see the depths of what he has done and repent.
John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” For the truth to set you free, you have to know what the truth is. I have done that. I have wrestled with it. I have picked it apart. I have faced it and been righteously angry at the pure evil of it. And what I said in my letter to Tim 4 years ago is still true now, "I forgive you because not forgiving you is holding on, and you don't deserve any more of my time or energy."
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20
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