No smiles here

I have no pictures around the middle of the abuse. This was before digital cameras and camera phones. We didn’t take pictures everyday then, and he wouldn’t let me take any pictures at all. For the entire time I was with him, this was the only picture I had of him. I begged and begged to have something, and he finally gave me this. With his girlfriend. The girlfriend I’d been very close to first, the one who had introduced us, who had told me nothing was amiss when he began pursuing me, and I trusted her because she was older than I was, and I looked up to her.  I've blurred the picture because who they are is not the point of this now. This is about me, this is about abuse, this is about healing and redemption, this is not about who they were.  She, too, was a victim, but I of course had no concept of that at the time. I trusted her, and thus I trusted him. She wouldn't be dating a bad guy, right?  

I became the third wheel to them. She was the third wheel to us. It was his control over his girlfriend that gave him access to me. It was his control over her that kept me attached to him, because he used her as a threat if I tried to leave him or tell him no. "She won't stay friends with someone who hurts me." They came as a pair, both of them or neither of them.  Saying no to him meant losing her, too. The stakes were much higher for me, and this was part of his plan. Please hear me when I say that what he did to me was not her fault. She, too, was a chess piece in his game. 

At this point I’d melded into him. Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) describes grooming as the following:

• Victim selection: Abusers often observe possible victims and select them based on ease of access to them or their perceived vulnerability.
• Gaining access and isolating the victim: Abusers will attempt to physically or emotionally separate a victim from those protecting them and often seek out positions in which they have contact with minors.
• Trust development and keeping secrets: Abusers attempt to gain trust of a potential victim through gifts, attention, sharing “secrets” and other means to make them feel that they have a caring relationship and to train them to keep the relationship secret.
• Desensitization to touch and discussion of sexual topics: Abusers will often start to touch a victim in ways that appear harmless, such as hugging, wrestling and tickling, and later escalate to increasingly more sexual contact, such as massages or showering together. Abusers may also show the victim pornography or discuss sexual topics with them, to introduce the idea of sexual contact.
• Attempt by abusers to make their behavior seem natural, to avoid raising suspicions. For teens, who may be closer in age to the abuser, it can be particularly hard to recognize tactics used in grooming. Be alert for signs that your teen has a relationship with an adult that includes secrecy, undue influence or control, or pushes personal boundaries.

He went down the list bullet point by bullet point like he'd written the checklist himself.  

He was patient with me at first.  As he got to know me.  As he tried to sweep me off my feet.  As he turned what I thought was black and white into something gray.  But then he stopped being interested in my life, he never wanted to hear about my friends, what was going on.  It was my senior year after all, that's a pretty big deal for a 17 year old.  It was all "high school drama BS" to him.  All my friends were automatically immature in his mind, and he made me well aware of that. He didn't want to talk about high school or anyone in it.  No one could understand our relationship, so I needed to not talk about it to anyone.  He'd test me, test my loyalty.  One time he remained completely silent on the phone, so I finally hung up, because you can't have a one way conversation forever.  He immediately called me back and spent the better part of an hour yelling at me and asking why he shouldn't just leave me for hanging up. Those sort of things became commonplace.  I never knew when the rules or demands would change, I never could seem to get it right or stay ahead. When he could tell I was ready to walk away, he'd suddenly become the sweet guy I'd first been so interested in.  Like holding a carrot on a stick in front of a horse.  

He also made sure I stopped talking about us to his girlfriend, all while making sure we remained friends, perhaps so she could also keep an eye on me, or perhaps so that she could use me to keep an eye on him.  Our relationship became very much like fragile china, her keeping me close to try to know what was going on, me keeping her close because I still cared about her and because it was also expected of me, with both of us knowing that any wrong step or wrong thing said could end one or both of our relationships with him or each other. 

His demands escalated less than 2 months into the relationship.  He started talking about things that needed to happen for our relationship to continue. Things I didn't want to do.  First it was just kissing, but once that hurdle was crossed, it became a sprint for him. He would speak of these "requirements" sexually, then when I questioned it, he would say they weren't sexual and instead were simply about trust.  I'd tell him I couldn't do that because it would hurt his girlfriend, and he'd berate me and tell me their relationship was none of my business.  He had an excuse or explanation for everything, and he always had rules that to him made it all ok. He'd tell me it wasn't sexual because I'd remain a virgin, as if that's the only sexual act. I'd express my concerns, and he'd tell me I just didn't understand, I was too immature, too young, too inexperienced.  He was right in that, I was too young, I was almost completely inexperienced, but my gut was right, I was not as immature as he claimed me to be. He finally lost his patience, got tired of my "childish bullshit." It was all of nothing. He could not continue with me unless he knew that I fully and completely trusted him.  And the only way to prove I fully and completely trusted him was to do the things he demanded, which was to let him do what he wanted to me. He was tired of having to explain, he was tired of me fighting him. I told him I wouldn't do it, and he threatened suicide. He told me his girlfriend wouldn't remain friends with someone who hurt him so badly, meaning my "no" was hurting him.  He finally told me that he'd never speak to me again if I didn't agree, and then he wouldn't let me speak anymore at all unless the answer was "yes," and he started actually counting down for an answer. I felt completely trapped, completely alone. I finally whispered out a "yes" and almost physically felt myself break inside.  He was elated. 

After that point, I knew that "no" was not a word I was ever allowed to use with him again. The more I'd tried before, the more his anger escalated. I feared how much more it could escalate.  The first night together, I learned how to shut myself off emotionally, to just do what was required of me to survive.  After that, he continued to escalate in his demands, but I no longer tried to fight him. I had no fight left in me.  I was completely broken.  Whatever additional demand, I just did.  He'd taken away my choice and my voice.  And when I was visiting him, I physically had no place to go if he threw me out of his dorm room, which he would have done had I tried to object in any way.  What was the 17 year old girl going to do alone in the middle of a campus she wasn't familiar with in the middle of the night if I was thrown out? 

His demands then including falling in love with him.  He swore he would catch me when I fell. By that point, I could emotionally shut myself off physically, but falling in love was a heart matter.  He couldn't take that from me, too, not when he could never be mine. But by then, I knew my only choice was to figure out how to do what he wanted, so I did.  Sitting in my senior english class one day, it happened in a moment.  If what he'd required me to do prior had attached me to him, this really bound me to him. 

Almost immediately, he got bored with me, tired of me, done with me.  His phone calls became more and more brief.  He stopped answering them all together for periods of time.  He would tell me he had a lot going on.  His girlfriend would tell me I was "annoying" him by calling him and texting him, when earlier he demanded a call when I woke up, when I got home from school, and when I went to bed. I didn't understand what had changed. I felt crazy. Every few days he'd finally respond to something, albeit brief, just to keep me hooked.  He still made sure I kept to all his rules. If he was mad at me, he'd talk to me for longer, but only to break me down and make sure I didn't do whatever it was again.

Then one day, two days before my senior prom, he told me he was going home for the summer and wouldn't have much time. And he stopped answering everything completely. No goodbye, just done. After all I'd given him.