Heather was not my first counselor, and she is not my last. I'd been with two different counselors between 7th and 9th grade, then I
had another counselor for a period in college. The counselors when I
was younger were just sort of so I could talk out whatever was going on
in my young teenage brain. I had already starting having panic attacks, anxiety, and depression by that point. They didn't realize I was already
fighting mental health issues that were more than "normal teenage
feelings," and when Tim was grooming me, that counselor should have
reported him and did not. Looking back, they should have done more. In college, I was seeing a
counselor while dealing with disordered eating and quickly losing lots
of weight, and I also had a stalker during that time, plus being in the
aftermath of trauma I couldn't yet name. I couldn't trust a male
counselor but didn't have the voice to demand a female counselor, and I
simply didn't respect him. He never knew what was going on below the surface. He even taped one of our sessions (with my permission) for his graduate program, and let me tell you, I don't know why he thought that was a good idea. Choosing to try counseling again with Heather was a huge and vulnerable decision.
I felt like there was such a stigma around counseling when I started with Heather. Like only really screwed up people go, and I definitely wasn't one of those, right? As I would tell people I was in counseling, I'd have some people who wondered what was so bad, people who wondered why something from so long ago mattered, people with the air of "Good for you, counseling is not for me," and others who knew how great counseling could be and were very supportive of me. I was ashamed at first of being in counseling. Now I'm a very firm believer in counseling and encourage just about everyone to at some point have some sort of counseling. My goal is to help remove the stigma. Now I just tell people, "Oh sorry, can't do X, I have counseling at that time every week." Think whatever you want, it's not about you. Do what you want with your mental health, this is what I'm doing for mine.
By the time I begun counseling with Heather, it had been over 9 years since I'd seen Xavier at all, and 11 years since our relationship had ended for good. College had been so terrible for the first 2.5 years, and figuring out the "real world" after college was not something I was prepared for either. I basically just developed my own coping mechanisms over the years, most of them not healthy, and as time went on, I just kept telling myself (and hearing from others) that time heals all wounds.
Listen closely. Time does not heal all wounds. Read that again and let it sink in. That is one of the biggest lies ever told. I believed it for far too long. I'd be willing to go as far as saying that the more time passes, the more unhealthy you become if you haven't dealt with your wounds. The pain spirals into unhealthy coping mechanisms and masks you put on that spiral into more unhealthy coping mechanisms and more masks until you no longer know who you ever are underneath it all.
I'd developed so many masks by the time I started seeing Heather, so many ways to hide. On the outside it seemed like I was getting my life together, but it was a lie. I was working in the professional world, coming home to Alex, but most evenings were spent curled up in a ball on the couch, falling asleep on Alex by 8, moving to the bedroom by 930 or 10 to actually sleep. I lived in my house alone (outside of one roommate for 6 months) for 5 years before Alex and I got married and he moved in with me. When I first moved into my house, I was so excited to be out of the toxic roommate situation I'd been in, so excited to have my own space, and I felt safe. But quickly my anxieties started to creep in again. I became too anxious to walk my dog on the neighborhood paths, too anxious to walk her on the street, too anxious to walk her on the path directly behind my backyard. I closed my blinds and never reopened them. If someone knocked on the door, I hid. I never let anyone come over outside of Alex because I was ashamed of the clutter and the stains on the carpet. I spent my free time curled up on the couch, too anxious or depressed to do anything else. Then I would hate myself for not being able to keep up my house, which would cause more anxiety and depression, causing me to be more paralyzed to do anything about it. And the cycle continued. And good luck getting me out of the house after dark. Once Alex moved in, I felt safe, and I was no longer alone, but then it was just much more cramped and cluttered, and it was just a waiting game until we could afford to move to a bigger house, which ended up being another 5 years.
Outside of what was going on with my mental health, I was also not a person I was proud of. I'd buried my pain under so many layers that I wasn't able to face anyone else's pain. I was the person who minimized, deflected, invalidated others. I barely had a voice at all, so I let people walk all over me. I didn't know how to express my needs to anyone outside of Alex, and even with Alex, it was a struggle. I had no boundaries with people because I didn't feel like I had a right to say "no" to anything or anyone. Instead I just put walls up everywhere to protect myself. My thought was that if you couldn't get past my wall, I wouldn't even have a chance to feel like I needed to tell you "no" and then have to figure out how to do that. It took a long time to trust anyone, and I definitely couldn't trust myself. I blamed myself for having believed Xavier's lies, and I worried someone else would be able to get past my armor and convince me of other lies. I worried another Xavier would somehow end up in my life, and that once again I would feel powerless.
What I hate the most is that I was someone who blamed victims. I can see now that it came out of having myself been invalidated and also out of ignorance. If I didn't even realize that I'd been sexually abused, how could I understand the sexual abuse I heard others talk about? The part of me that still felt like something wasn't right had been invalidated and silenced for so long, that out of my own pain, I invalidated and silenced others' stories. I hate that part of my story. I'm sorry to anyone I hurt when I was hurting. I didn't have the capacity for empathy for myself or anyone else. I hope that I am now able to validate others and truly hear their hearts.
When I started counseling, I didn't have the language for anything I'd experienced or was feeling. It took years of unraveling. Some people are able to go to counseling for a few months, have their counselor speak truth to the lies, give them validation, and they grow and learn quickly. However, that's not me. I thought it would be, but it wasn't. The lies Xavier had spoken to me were so deep in my soul, they had become part of who I was. When Heather and I started unraveling the lies and bringing light to the truth of my pain, I started talking about it all the time to anyone who would listen. It was about circling the same things over and over and over again until I felt like I could let them go. It would often take me weeks of reviewing something in my head, just one small but specific piece of my story, talking about it, writing about it, before I'd finally realized the truth about it. I spent most of my free time outside of work reading books Heather recommended, writing whatever homework I had and whatever was rattling around in my head, and preparing for my next counseling session. I completely threw myself into my healing because I was just done, absolutely done, with living the life I'd been living. I wanted a new life for Alex and myself. I wasn't going to let Xavier ruin the life Alex and I were building. He'd stolen enough.
Heather gave me language I so desperately needed. With language there is freedom. When you have the words to say what happened to you and where you are mentally, you can finally be truly heard, you can finally start to release what's been holding you down. When I was in Germany, one of the hardest parts of communicating was knowing what I wanted to say but not having the correct German words to say it. Anyone who has visited a foreign country or learned another language probably understands. There's this automatic wall between you and whoever you are speaking with when you don't understand each other. It can feel maddening sometimes to not be able to truly communicate. Handling trauma and mental health is similar, only I was living that every day and did not even know I was missing the language.
To begin to heal, I had to face my pain. To face my pain, I had to know I would be safe and heard. Heather gave me that. She was patient as I went round and round in circles trying to make sense of things that didn't make sense. We went through everything I could find to bring back my memories from that time: emails, IM conversations, journal entries, conversations with friends, pictures. My body remembered everything, but my brain needed help putting the pieces together. It was like a puzzle, when I would find a new missing piece, it filled a spot in my heart where I previously couldn't understand the pain I was feeling. Heather got angry at Xavier, at what he'd done to me, what he'd said to me. It felt good to have someone angry for me, protective of me, fighting for me. I felt like I mattered. Like I was worth fighting for, like fighting for healing mattered. It made me want to fight for myself. Heather told me what was not ok, things that Xavier had twisted in my head. She spoke truth to me.
Counseling that is worthwhile is hard work. I was fortunate to have the
time and resources to be able to throw myself into my healing during
those years and focus primarily on my healing outside of my career. As we peeled back the layers of protection I'd put around my heart, I started to feel again in ways I had not in many years. My smiles got bigger, my laughs got louder, but my anxiety also got bigger, my depression became more pronounced, and I started having more frequent PTSD triggers. Brene Brown said, "We cannot selectively numb emotion. If we numb the dark, we numb the light. If we take the edge off pain and discomfort, we are, by default, taking the edge off joy, love, belonging, and the other emotions that give meaning to our lives." The opposite is also true. When you start to come out of numbness, the emotions on both ends of the spectrum become more pronounced. You cannot start to feel again with only some emotions. But despite that my mental health struggles came to the surface, joy also came to the surface. I started to enjoy life and be emotionally present in my own life. For so many years I'd been trying to find my joy again, but it took facing my pain to finally see it again. I started talking about what was going on in my head instead of hiding everything. I learned how to use my own voice again to say what I needed and wanted instead of always trying to make myself invisible. Some people in my circle did not understand what was going on with me. Some thought I was getting worse, but what they were seeing was that I was finally talking about the things that I had kept hidden for so long.
As I began to feel again, I also had to start seeing a psychiatrist to handle the chemical imbalances in my brain. I found out that having multiple anxiety attacks a day was not healthy, that being unable to function was not normal. Some of it has genetic factors, and some of it comes out of my traumas. I fought to take medicine to help with the chemical imbalances in my brain, but my counselor, my Family Doctor, and my Psychiatrist helped me understand that just as I would take insulin if I had diabetes or chemo if I had cancer, it was ok to take medication to help with mental illnesses. Over time, the days of being unable to leave the couch have almost completely gone. Things that once would send me into an anxiety spiral that paralyzed me for days I am now able to stop before they can spiral. The anvil that sat on my chest for years has lifted, I can finally take full breaths again most of the time. I do not think medication is the magic fixer, but combined with counseling, it has changed my life for the better. I do think that it can often be over prescribed and not well monitored, but I am fortunate to be well monitored and guided.
At some point, after about 3.5 years together, I starting have less and less to talk about, fewer and fewer stones to unturn. Eventually Heather and I realized my season of counseling with her was coming to an end. The bulk of my processing had been worked through. We went down to fewer and fewer sessions until she released me. This, however, did not mean my past would never matter again. My stories are part of who I am. I will forever carry the scars. I do not believe there will be complete healing on this side of Heaven. However, I am continually a little farther ahead than I was before, even if I have to revisit certain pieces of my story. I have come so far, but I am not done yet.
I've been in counseling now for 7 years: the first 3.5 with Heather, then 6 months after she released me, my psychiatrist said she wanted me back in counseling to have someone more closely monitoring me and working with me in ways she can't. I was already familiar with Annie and wanted her to be my new counselor, but was nervous about finding someone after Heather. I assumed Annie wouldn't take my insurance so it wouldn't work anyway, but she did. Then I assumed she wouldn't be available on the day that would be best for me, and that was one of her two available days. Then I assumed she wouldn't have space for me, but she did. So it all fell into place, and I've been with Annie ever since.
Some of the work done during my years of counseling with Heather
Books from picture (some I haven't finished, let's be real; also, I do not agree with everything in all of these books, as that is impossible, and more and more is being learned about these topics and updated and corrected with time):
Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth, Dr. Paul Meier
Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse by Steven R. Tracy
Intimate Allies: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women ask about Sex by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus - just a note that there were some good things about this book but also things that needed to be completely taken out and burned
Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge
The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Dr. Dan Allender
Healing the Wounded Heart: The Heartache of Sexual Abuse and the Hope of Transformation by Dr. Dan Allender
Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault by Justin S. Holcomb
When a Woman You Love Was Abused: A Husband's Guide to Helping Her Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation by Dawn Scott Jones
Not Marked by Mary Demuth
Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
On the Threshold of Hope by Diane Langberg
Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer
The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, et. al.
The Invisible Bond: How to Break Free From Your Sexual Past by Barbara Wilson
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
The Wisdom of Your Body: Finding Healing, Wholeness, and Connection Through Embodied Living by Hillary L. McBride, PhD
Unpunishable: Ending our Love Affair with Punishment by Danny Silk
Breaking Free from Body Shame: Dare to Reclaim What God has Declared Good by Jess Connolly
Some definitions:
Consent: Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. A verbal and affirmative expression of consent can help both you and your partner to understand and respect each other’s boundaries.
What is not consent: Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn’t considered consent because it was not given freely. Unequal power dynamics, such as engaging in sexual activity with an employee or student, also mean that consent cannot be freely given.
Sexual abuse: Sexual abuse is any sexual activity that occurs without consent. Also referred to as sexual assault or sexual violence, it includes unwanted sexual touching, forced oral sex, and rape, among other sexual acts. No matter which act occurs, it’s not the survivor’s fault that they were assaulted—and help is available to begin healing from such abuse.
Emotional abuse: Emotional abuse involves controlling another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate them. The underlying goal of emotional abuse is to control the other person by discrediting, isolating, and silencing them. It is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize as it can be subtle and insidious. But it can also be overt and manipulative. Either way, emotional abuse can chip away at your self-esteem, and you can begin to doubt your perceptions and reality. In the end, you may feel trapped. Emotionally abused people are often too wounded to endure the relationship any longer, but also too afraid to leave. So, the cycle repeats itself until something is done.
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse in which the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality.1 Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to feel unsure about their perceptions of the world and even wonder if they are losing their sanity.
Narcissism: Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment.
What are the signs of sexual abuse?
If you’re concerned that a loved one is suffering sexual abuse, asking them directly can lead to relief, support, and treatment. The signs that an adult may have been sexually assaulted include:
• Anxiety about specific situations that didn’t previously prompt anxiety
• Avoiding specific people or places
• Persistent sadness or depression
• Low self-esteem
• Disturbed sleep or nightmares
• Self-harming behavior
• Suicidal thoughts
• New sexually transmitted infections
Signs that Someone May Be In an Abusive Relationship
The majority of sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows, such as a friend, family member, acquaintance, or partner.1 Often, abusive partners will try to cut the victim off from their support system. As someone outside of the relationship, you have the potential to notice warning signs that someone may be in an abusive relationship or at risk for sexual assault.
Some warning signs include:
- Withdrawing from other relationships or activities, for example, spending less time with friends, leaving sports teams, or dropping classes
- Saying that their partner doesn’t want them to engage in social activities or is limiting their contact with others
- Disclosing that sexual assault has happened before
- Any mention of a partner trying to limit their contraceptive options or refusing to use safer sexual practices, such as refusing to use condoms or not wanting them to use birth control
- Mentioning that their partner is pressuring them to do things that make them uncomfortable
- Signs that a partner controlling their means of communication, such as answering their phone or text messages or intruding into private conversations
- Visible signs of physical abuse, such as bruises or black eyes
Symptoms of Depression:
- Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
- Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
- Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
- Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
- Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
- Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
- Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
- Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
- Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
- Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
- Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Some people may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.
Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder:
- Persistent worrying or anxiety about a number of areas that are out of proportion to the impact of the events
- Overthinking plans and solutions to all possible worst-case outcomes
- Perceiving situations and events as threatening, even when they aren't
- Difficulty handling uncertainty
- Indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision
- Inability to set aside or let go of a worry
- Inability to relax, feeling restless, and feeling keyed up or on edge
- Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind "goes blank"
Symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder:
- Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
- Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
- Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event
- Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event
- Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
- Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event
- Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
- Hopelessness about the future
- Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
- Difficulty maintaining close relationships
- Feeling detached from family and friends
- Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
- Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
- Feeling emotionally numb
- Being easily startled or frightened
- Always being on guard for danger
- Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
- Trouble sleeping
- Trouble concentrating
- Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
- Overwhelming guilt or shame
Resources (and sources for above):
NarcissismTalk with a licensed, professional therapist online
RAINN: 1-800-656-4673 Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
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