Prom

This photo speaks to me so much. When I look at it, even I can’t see the broken girl behind that smile. 

I was two days out of an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship when this was taken. Two days. Armi didn’t know. No one knew yet. I didn’t have the words for it then and wouldn’t completely find the words for it for almost 12 more years. I knew I was somehow different, I felt completely shattered, but just looking at this picture, you would have no clue. That’s the face I gave the world. Because I blamed myself (as most abused do), because I’d never been taught what abuse was, because I’d also been gaslit, all I felt was shame and self hatred for this thing I couldn’t name.

I remember watching people dance intimately and screaming inside, “Does she want that? Is he making her do that?” and wanting to physically pull the couple apart and ask the girl if she was truly ok. Thoughts my counselor later told me aren’t normal for a 17 year old girl to think without what I’d experienced. But I still didn’t know. 

I called him that night. After prom. One last time. He didn’t answer, and I knew he was done with me. But abuse attaches you to a person, especially when that person gaslights you, is narcissistic and emotionally abusive, and when that person makes you believe what they are doing is what you deserve and no one else will love you like they do. And then leaves. 

I hung up the phone when it went to voicemail, put that happy face back on, and walked into the after prom party where my friends waited, clueless as to what was really going on. 

 #survivor #metoo #lookbehindthesmile