I was wearing his necklace for my cap and gown pictures. I remember thinking that could be a terrible idea, but somehow I knew even then that he would define that year, and I didn’t want to ever forget that. I’m glad for that jewelry choice now, so I can see exactly who I was then, and how young I was. He gave me the necklace during the grooming stage, and I felt so special during that stage. This picture was supposed to define being a senior: in my graduation gown with cap and tassel, but at that time, he defined me. I don’t remember exactly when this picture was taken that year, but I remember how dead I felt inside, so I have an idea. I went from being a near straight A student to barely being able to focus at all, so it took so much more to keep my grades up. I didn’t want to go to church or youth group anymore, but I still did, out of guilt instead of passion. He did his best to isolate me from all my friends, at least emotionally, by telling me all the time how immature high schoolers were and how he didn’t care about any of that drama. He took so much from me.
I’m glad for the wisdom of 17 year old Amy, who didn’t yet know, who didn’t yet have the vocabulary, for saving everything I could, so when I finally could start unraveling it 12 years later, I would be able to. There’s been so much hard fought freedom through years of counseling and going through the deep waters of the pain. Coming alive again has been worth every bit of it.
Now when I look at this picture, I’m more upset they didn’t make me turn my “03” on my tassel towards the camera. I mean duh, camera person.
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